Single Girl’s Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day with Your Sanity, Dignity, & Finances in Tact
Valentine’s Day has notoriously been one of the worst days
of the year for me. One year, I even burned my bangs off accidently while
cooking. Another year a boyfriend decided that that was the day to tell me that
his ex-girlfriend was expecting a baby. Turns out she was lying. Then there was
that one year, I had a perfect Tiffany blue dress and shoes, wonderful date,
and I had an allergic reaction and my lips swelled up like “Kylie what’s good?”.
Every now and then there were some anomalies, with great company, food, and
amazing sex (I just sung Rihanna’s “Sex with Me” while I was typing that). I have learned to survive and thrive as a
single gal and I want to tell you how.
Sanity: Social media is the devil. In the days approaching
Valentine’s Day, you will be bombarded with memes that begin with, “Single
chics be like…”, “Side chics be like”, and pointers for you to realize that you
are not the main woman in a man’s life. The people that you once loved and
respected will actually like, share, and agree in the comments of the
foolishness and fuckery. It’s amazing that people don’t say, “Guys with dead
mothers be like…” when it’s Mother’s Day, but everyone takes shots at the
single waman. Here is the thing about love, it isn’t boastful. People who are
doing the most on Valentine’s Day are often putting on a show. A number the
gifts up and down your timeline were DIY (just like the orgasm that I gave
myself this morning). Some of the gifts were manipulated by subtle hints such
as leaving clues around the house, in the car, and on the computer. Others are
obligatory battering for sex. The point
is that you are not as alone as you might believe. And, at this moment, while you are reading
this, a woman in a relationship just faked an orgasm.
If seeing all of the “love”
on social media is a bit much, log out on the 13th-15th. It will give your timeline a chance to rinse
out the red of V-Day. So what do you do on those days? You do all of the things
you’ve been putting off doing for yourself. Read or write that bestselling
novel. Exfoliate those Hannah Barbara Flintstone feet (that might be why you’re
single, just kidding). Write that business plan. Work on that Smokey Eye so you can stop
looking like a raccoon. Self indulge without going overboard which brings me to
the next thing, dignity.
Dignity: Don’t you dare entertain a “what’s up stranger text”
for the resident Fuck Boy in your contact list. He’s likely looking to benefit from the
minimalist approach to spending time and money. You can also have a Valentine’s
Day night with your small kids watching movies and making fancy snacks.
However, don’t let people pimp your singleness by trying to finesse you into watching
their badass kids. Remember they shared the “Single chics be like…” post. Do
not purchase something for yourself and pretend it came from an admirer.
Somebody has his eye on you. You wouldn’t want him to fall back because he
thinks that you are involved. If you do decide to splurge on yourself, own it.
You deserve the credit. However, don’t create more problems for yourself by
overdoing it.
Finances: I’ve known many a single gal with the “I’m my own
Valentine mantra.” They spend money that they don’t have to pacify themselves
into being okay about being single. You still have bills to pay. Prices are
inflated because it is a commercial holiday. So rather than buying lover gifts
(jewelry, flowers, perfume) buy something else you might have in mind. Avoid
the madness of trying to eat out at a restaurant. If you have other single gal
pals pot luck an amazing meal. Another option is always to make some money. If
you are an entrepreneur market your products and services for the holiday. If
you have chance to work and make more money, take the overtime. Lovebirds will
be calling in sick.
I guess you’re wondering how I will spend my holiday. If I’m
off, I’m going to prepare an amazing meal. Shrimp and crab linguine, asparagus,
a seared rib eye, 7-up biscuits, wine and cheesecake. I’m going to listen to
the Love Jones soundtrack’ while I cook. I’ll be watching a movie at home. I’ll
take lavender and frankincense infused bath. And just before I go to sleep, I
plan in having one of those DIY orgasms and smile knowing someone else is
faking one.
